These Are The Thoughts

these are the thoughts that go through my head
in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon
when I have the house to myself and I am not
expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend

is he the one that I will marry?
why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel cellularly alone?
am I supposed to live in this crazy city?
can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated
life- denying tradition be overcome?

where does the money go that I send to those in need?
if we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
why do you say you are spiritual
yet you treat people like shit?

how can you say you're close to God
and yet you talk behind my back as though I am not
a part of you?
why do I say I'm fine
when it's obvious I'm not?
why's it so hard to tell you what I want?
why can't you just read my mind?

why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
why do I care whether you like me or not?
why is it so hard for me to be angry?
why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
and not the other way around?

will I ever move back to canada?
can I be with a lover with whom I am a student and a master?
why am I encouraged to shut my mouth
when it gets too close to home?
why cannot i live in the moment?